Meeting stepchildren for the first time

By: sharon

TAGS: children parenting survival guide

Meet Your Stepchildren
I usually write about motherhood. Not today. You see, I wasn’t a mother when I met my stepchildren. I was terrified about meeting them. Their feelings would be in my hands, and I had one chance to make a good impression. No pressure, right? What I didn’t know, was that I’d have loads of fun. I’ll share some tips on how to make this time with a new stepchild as enjoyable as possible. Yes, there’ll be hurdles, but with the right attitude, you’ll be able to deal with them.

Think about how your step-child’s feeling:
This depends on how long it’s been since their parents separated. The newer the break up, the more the stepchild will be emotional and stressed. Even years later, children may feel upset, hurt, abandoned and resentful.

Stepchildren don’t ask for their parents to break up, and they certainly don’t ask for a new-comer in their life. Be realistic about their enthusiasm levels and keep your expectations low when you are meeting them. Stressed children often act out.

Realise it’s the situation your stepchild is rallying against, not you:
If you can empathise, you’ll be easier to warm to.

Let them come to you:
Say hello, smile and be friendly. Avoid getting in their face too much. Give stepchildren space and time to get used to you. Showing respect by easing them into your company makes them more willing to talk to you.

Money can’t buy you love:
I refused to bribe my step-children into liking me. Kids see through this, and view it as a sign of insecurity. So, I didn’t buy things for them for a long time after meeting them. I wanted this relationship to be a real one: Warts and all. All the step kids got in the early days was the real me.

I trod carefully here, because I also didn’t want to upset the other parent. It was too early to know if a certain gift could cause offence. No matter what the reasons are behind the split, the ex’s feelings are important too.

Put your grown-up undies on:
You’re meeting little souls who love both their parents dearly. It’s never ok to badmouth the ex in front of the stepchildren. If you dislike the other parent, vent this at another time when the kids aren’t there to be affected.

You mightn’t like your stepchild’s behaviour sometimes. This doesn’t give you the right to take out your negative feelings for the ex on the kids. An example would be a put-down such as: ‘you’re just like your lazy mother!’. No child deserves this, and making comments like this in front of a stepchild will sabotage your efforts to get them to like you.

They had nothing to do with the break up, so keep it in perspective.

During these visits, the step-kids come first. It’s no time to sulk because your partner’s spending more time with his children than you. They’re kids, you’re an adult.

If you’re unwilling to be mature about meeting your stepchildren, perhaps you should end the relationship now. The challenges of step parenting get harder over time. We all make mistakes from time to time (I know I have), but we should make our best effort for all involved.

So, what’s my role in this? Am I supposed to be their mother?
No. This is a first meeting. Keep it light, and focus on establishing a positive grounding with your stepchild. Most of the time, they aren’t looking for a new parent, and might be against the idea. Relax, and take the pressure off yourself and the child. View this as meeting a new friend.

Does this mean I shouldn’t discipline the child?
In my opinion, that is what it means, yes. Build mutual trust and respect first. Your stepchild may be anxious about meeting you and expecting to dislike you. Why give them reasons to be resistant? Once you know each other better, this may change, so worry about that later.

Keep your partner close by for awkward moments:
Let him field the sticky questions from the kids: ‘are you having sex?’, or ‘are you getting married?’ When meeting stepchildren, give your partner space to handle it the way he prefers. Respect that your partner has known these kids all their life. Let him do what he does best.

What are you waiting for? Go meet those kids!
When you do, just try being respectful, understanding and calm. Realise that the success of this first “stepchild meeting” isn’t resting entirely on your shoulders, and go with the flow a little. Enjoy yourselves!

If you’re a step-parent, what worked for you that might help others about to embark on step parenting? Or were you a step-child? What were your positive or negative experiences with your step-parents?

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