How to handle sibling rivalry

By: nicole

TAGS: how to parenting siblings tips

“Sibling rivalry is inevitable. The only sure way to avoid it is to have one child."
Nancy Samalin – Parenting Author

Well if you are like me and have more than one child, it is nice to remember that sibling rivalry is part of family life and is to be expected. At its simplest, sibling rivalry can be defined as the jealousy, competition, fighting and attention-seeking behaviours that occur between brothers and sisters. It is also one of the facets of family life that can really wear parents down.

Sibling rivalry can represent itself in many forms, some we are all familiar with:

• Fighting – verbal or physical.
• Sniping – comments, often muttered under their breath, criticising or putting down their sibling.
• Provoking – deliberate actions taken by one sibling to receive a reaction from the other.
• Teasing – name calling, pointing out weaknesses or differences.

And some we may not recognise as sibling rivalry without taking a second look:

• Unwillingness to participate in an event or activity – this can happen if one child feels that their sibling is better at them in this area.
• Refusing to cooperate – part of the reason sibling rivalry occurs is due to the need for each child to define themselves as different from their sibling. If one sibling is cooperating, then another may choose not to, as a point of difference.

Regardless of its form, as parents there are some simple things that we can do in handling sibling rivalry, to minimise the impact it has on the rest of the house:

Set and role model expectations

It might seem obvious, but I find it really helps to discuss with the kids your expectations about how they should treat each other and the harmony that you want for the family unit. As a parent I can then role model the behaviour I want to see in them, helping to reinforce these expectations.

If I don’t want my children name calling, shouting and hitting, then I need to make sure that I don’t exhibit these behaviours – not only in my interactions with them, but in the rest of my daily life. Kids listen and pick up on so much more of what us adults do, than what we say!

Avoid refereeing between siblings

It takes two to fight and by stepping in and looking for someone to be in the right or wrong, you are changing the focus from their behaviour to your decision-making skills. When an argument gets to the point that a parent needs to be involved, try to keep the focus on looking for a solution, not trying to determine “who started it”. Sibling rivalry can bring out a strong reaction in parents, but to handle it effectively we need to remain calm and impartial.

Acknowledge positive behaviour

If the kids have been playing beautifully or you see examples of them negotiating and problem solving without your assistance, take the time to let them know what you thought about it. Make sure your feedback is specific and not just empty praise, for example “I really liked the way you listened to each other’s needs and you found a way that you could both have a turn on the computer.” Then when the fighting occurs at other times, you can remind the kids of how they have handled these previous situations and encourage them to work together to find a solution.

Spend individual time with each child

It is not always fighting with the kids and they often love spending time playing with each other, but there is also nothing quite like some one on one time with mum and/or dad. Try to find ways across your week where you have time on your own with each child. It can be simple things like reading the bed time story, going for a walk, playing a game – any activity where it is just the two of you and you can talk freely together.

Celebrate diversity

Each child will have their own strengths and they can take many different forms. If your family is for example more of a “sporty” family, but one of your children has a strength in art, make sure you spend time appreciating art and celebrating its place in your family. Celebrating the sporting achievement of a child is clearly seen when you attend their sporting events. For a child who loves to draw, to publicly celebrate their work, you may choose your favourite picture, frame it and hang it on the wall. Show you are interested in what they like by taking time out as a family to visit an art gallery. These activities can help to reduce sibling rivalry as each child feels their interests, successes and achievements are being acknowledged.

Family meetings

We have been having family meetings with our kids since our eldest child (now aged eleven) was four years old. They are a fabulous way to handle any disputes, as they are a forum where all voices are equal, regardless of age or size. Family meetings provide the ability for each child to have their opinion heard and taken into account.

Issues brought to the family meetings to be discussed are not solved by the person who shouts the loudest or who is the strongest, but they are solved through the family using decision making, negotiation and problem-solving skills to come up with a solution that everyone can agree to. These skills are just like any skill a child learns – the more they practise, the better they become at them. As the kids improve these social skills, they will also gain confidence in handling some of the sibling rivalry issues themselves.

What tips would you have for other parents in handling sibling rivalry?

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