Are mums guilty of over-organising their kids?
By: kelly
TAGS: chores homework household housework kids parenting
I could have kicked myself for not buying a “baby on board” sign for the car trip home from hospital. I’m sure everyone was driving too fast that day. A new baby relies on you for everything and you just want to keep them safe from harm. You gaze at their sweet face and hope they will mature into a well-adjusted adult who is independent and able to make good choices for themselves. Somewhere between the nappies and adulthood there’s this thing called parenting to wade through.
Parenting: not quite as simple as you thought – huh? I mean, is it dangerous for them to climb trees? Should you have a GPS mobile device installed to track your child’s every move? Are kids playing with the correct educational toys? Don’t forget stranger danger, germs, internet safety and hypoallergenic socks. Parenting has been turned into an obsession and it’s easy for parents to get stuck in the newborn phase, keeping their kids wrapped in fragile stickers. Welcome to the age of helicopter parenting.
Helicopter parenting, in a nutshell, describes the parent who constantly “hovers” over their child’s every move, ready to intervene. This parent will seek to smooth out every emotional low, open every stuck lid, fix every problem and organise every part of their child’s life to ensure they don’t come to any harm.
Over-bearing parents have met their match in Lenore Skenazy, author of Free Range Kids. She caused quite a stir when she let her 9-year-old son travel alone on the Subway in New York City. To be honest, I wouldn’t allow my children the same level of freedom (I’d worry they’d get kidnapped!) but Lenore does make an interesting point:
“The problem with this everything-is-dangerous outlook is that over-protectiveness is a danger in and of itself. A child who thinks he can’t do anything on his own eventually can’t.”
While I’m not quite so “free range” as Ms Skenazy, I do agree over-parenting is a problem as children don’t have the opportunity to learn invaluable life skills like independence, problem solving and resilience. Here’s the question: Are we over-organising our kids? There’s no easy answer but I can share with you some of my tips.
Below are 8 tips that may help you find the balance between organising your kids in a sustainable way and being over-bearing.
- Allow freedom within boundaries
Children need boundaries to feel safe and secure. The tricky thing is to know where to put them. The idea of freedom within boundaries is to allow the child to work out their own system (and make mistakes!) within a certain framework. For example, I usually fold my children’s washing but I don’t put it away for them. Instead I say: “Here’s your clean washing. I’d like it put away by the end of the day please.” If they don’t, I tighten the boundaries until they can show me they can work within them and move the framework as they mature. More responsibility equals more freedom. - Just wait
Children need time to work things out. Personally, I’m notorious for taking over. If I see my son struggling to open his drink bottle lid, my first reaction is to get down and help him. But I wait, and if he does require help, I’ll guide him through it rather than do it for him. - Just play
Parents want to give their child the best start in life and there are many wonderful educational and developmental programs to assist. The good news is kids learn all the time and through everything they do. You don’t need to micro-manage their time to ensure they get the best start. Love them and just let them play sometimes. - Chores
Kids are extremely capable and are always keen to learn new skills. My husband and I aim to run our family as a team, expecting the children to contribute to the daily running of the house. It can take some time to find a system that works for your family; whether that’s a chore lists, reward chart or pocket money incentive. The important thing is to give kids responsibility that builds independence and confidence. - Relaxed but organised
I need to have things organised at home so we can do all the things we like as a family. I’ve developed a system that is both relaxed and organised. For example, I store plastic cups in a basket in the cupboard. My 3-year-old can get a drink of water without asking and my older kids can easily unstack the dishwasher and throw the cups in the correct place. - Schedules and routines
Coordinating a family is a serious business! When you add multiple children and extracurricular activities to the mix it’s… bedlam! Our family takes a few moments each week to fill out a weekly planner. That way, at a glance, it’s easy to sort out library days, sports day and playgroup days. If you have older children, why not get them to fill out their own row? Download the Kleenex Mums weekly family planner and give it a try. - Keep it simple
I’ve lived in a cluttered household before: it didn’t’ work. Now I keep things minimal so we are comfortable but not cramped. Unclutter tip: if it won’t fit comfortably in the box/cupboard/drawer, give it away. - Kids rooms and school
They key to organising all the kids’ stuff is to find a place for everything. There are many organisational products available to help. Here are some ideas:
- Wheelie bin: stuffed toys, dirty clothes, dress-ups
- Wire draws: clothes, toys and books
- Plastic container: toys, books and craft
- Hanging organiser: nappies, shoes, clothes
- Office tray: newsletter, notes from the teacher, tuckshop menu
The newborn I was fiercely protective of on that first car trip is now ten. In her decade of life so far she’s lived in 9 different houses and changed schools 5 times. Not exactly ideal. But you know what? She’s happy, confident, has her own sense of style and voice, loves learning, and is capable around the house. Kids are surprisingly resilient and keen learners. I’ve discovered they don’t need to be bubble-wrapped or micro-managed. To flourish they need these three things: love, emotional support and the freedom to grow within helpful boundaries (oh, and lots and lots of food).
As a society, do we over-organise our kids? How much freedom do you give your child?
kelly
Kelly Burstow combines her passion for design, children's books, photography, fashion, writing and parenting in her blog, Be A Fun Mum. Be A Fun Mum is all about reclaiming the enjoyment of parenting, one moment at a time. Kelly lives in Queensland with her husband, four children and far too many guinea pigs.
Showing 12 comments
I have six children and 2 grandchildren. Children dont need you to be their playmate(you should always make opportunities for them to have mates their own age) they need you to be the parent.
99% of parenting is leading by example. Whatever u do , as small children they will copy, as teens they will test and reject and as adults they will look for mutual support and respect.
If you work hard, dont use anything( including money) to excess, strive to be clean and tidy, read, write, laugh, cry, be extremely honest, eat well, sleep properly, treat their parent/ your partner with respect, and always look to praise your child , then they will follow your path.
As your path will include fear, failure, accidents, misunderstandings, sometimes terror or trauma, so will theirs.
Equally all the joys, success, triumphs, hugs, kisses, wealth, and knowledge gained will also be theirs.
Love life, love others, live every moment of every day and let your children do the same.
Every contact they have with the world- strangers as well as family, disinfectant and dirt, seatbelts and bungi jumping, rain as well as sunshine, are vital for them to grow into that wonderful human being you dream of as they lie in your arms for the first time.
The most important thing i have learnt in 28 years though is they can only walk in your footsteps and follow your example if you are there for them to see and hear. Parenting is for the rest of your life- fulltime- unless you want to risk someone else's example taking your child off the path of a happy life.
Don't follow them to see if they are safe- have them follow your path so you know they are safe.
Thanks Michelle...so nice to see you here!
I'll pop by and have a read Nicole!
It so true Ash that a change of mindset (like in your toilet roll scenario) can make such a difference in how we parent... They do indeed grow so very quickly...everyone says that but it's so true!!
Love it!
Hey Nat. I'm so glad you found it helpful! :)
I know exactly what you mean Sarah as I too, have a child with special needs which means I have to parent her a little different too. And I'm echoing you in saying that knowing a child's strength and weaknesses is helpful and important--I agree. You have a lot of insight Sarah. Thanks for sharing with us.
I love that last line "It is also about stripping parenting back to the basics...despite the demands of the modern world." Beautifully said.
Good one Kelly-great article
Absolutely...and well said Kelly. Everyday I am seeing anxious children who I have to say are often (not always) but often having their anxiety fed by overprotective parents who are still in newborn mode many years down the track. It is a very hard thing to try and 'unwire' the fear that has been ingrained into these kids. As a result I am also advocating an approach to parenting that very much mirrors what you have outlined. It is a balance between strict boundaries but with freedom to take risks, make mistakes and learn from experience. It is about parents being loving and nurturing but remaining in control. It is also about stripping parenting back to the basics...despite the demands of the modern world.
I have 3 young children and am in the throws of finding this balance. My eldest has some autistic tendencies which means how we parent him differs from how we parent the others. I have found understanding your child and their strengths and weaknesses will help you know when you need to be more supportive. If they are doing something that is within their capacity, we can back off and offer the occasional encouragement as needed but if it's something more challenging, then walking through it with them (not just doing it for them) allows them to learn, make mistakes and learn how to deal with frustration and persist until they succeed. And of course, you do this through lots of play! :0)
Brilliant Kelly! thanks for the gentle reminder and the handy hints and tips too :) I've got two chaotic bedrooms and an office, and thanks to you, some ideas on how to lose the 'chaotic' bit :)
let kids be kids! its about creating a childhood for them, memories they can look back on and laugh about.
be the one on the floor making the mess with them, be the one in the yard discovering bugs and making dirt tracks for match box cars. be the one covered in glitter. BUT.....also be the one the teaches them to pack up, and how to put things away. its fun learning while having fun :)
if you look back to when you were a child you would remember the independence your parents allowed you. its ok to allow them to make mistakes, its frustrating for US but for them they don't think "lets put this toilet roll in the toilet to upset mummy" they think "i wanna see what happens to the toilet roll when i put it in the bowl". RELAX, allow fun and laughter and enjoy being a mum! it goes SO FAST!!