What is the ideal age gap between kids?
By: melissa
TAGS: children health parenting siblings
Planning a family is never easy, and unfortunately there’s no formula for figuring out the ideal age gaps between children. Some parents prefer to have their children closer in age, while others opt to wait until their first child is out of nappies before having another. There are a number of pros and cons for all age-gap scenarios, and ultimately it depends on your personal preference.
My mother used to say there should be at least a two-year-and-nine-month age difference between siblings. By then, the older child is presumably toilet-trained
A moderate age gap between children can definitely work in your favour – my best friend has a daughter three years older than her son, and the girl has always doted on her little brother and enjoyed being able to ‘play mum’. However, I believe the success of a medium age gap between children can depend on sibling gender. One of my other friends also has a three-year sibling age gap between her children, but this gap is between two daughters, which has turned out to be a far less harmonious situation.
Widening the age gaps between children further can minimise rivalry between siblings of the same gender. There’s a five-year gap between myself and my older sister and when we were children, she adored me and loved showing me off to her friends. However, a larger age gap can come as a rude shock for parents who thought they were out of the woods, but now find themselves thrust back into newborn territory. My sister is currently due for her third child, with a five and a half year gap between her twins and the new baby. She’ll need to baby-proof the house again, reacquaint herself with changing nappies, and remember how to function on constantly broken sleep. On the other hand, she’s bound to benefit from having two big kids who will delight in playing with their younger sibling and helping to care for the new baby.
I chose to have my first two kids fairly close in age (they’re 23 months apart), mainly because I was an older first time mum. Rather than struggling to manage two children in nappies, I actually found it relatively easy, as all I had to do was add a few extra nappies to my nappy bag and off I went. My house was still baby-proofed and decked out with Wiggles gear, and I hadn’t yet sold any of my baby things on eBay, so we already had most of the things we needed for the new baby.
Of course, trying to balance the demands of a newborn with a two year old at the height of his temper-tantrum stage was challenging. My first son struggled with the idea of a new baby, and was devastated when he could no longer have my undivided attention. At times, I even questioned whether I had done the right thing by having my children so close in age. Was this age gap a mistake?
Now that the kids are older, they are the absolute best of mates (well, most of the time). They play together constantly and make each other laugh, while the little one absolutely adores his older brother and learns a lot from him (the good, the bad and the naughty!)
For me, 23 months is a great age gap between children, and the closeness that my boys now share has made the early struggle worthwhile. But if I have a third child, I definitely plan to wait until the eldest starts school. Even I’m not brave enough to have three preschoolers at home!
What age gap do you think works best?
melissa
Melissa has two full-on boys Oscar and Sam, who are on the go from dawn 'til well past dusk. She works for Kleenex and has helped create Kleenex Mums as a source of advice and support for mums just like herself trying to navigate the crazy, fun and rewarding world of motherhood. Melissa suffers housework aversion and looks forward to the day when she is once again able to sleep in past 6:00am. You can also find her on the Kleenexmums Facebook page.
Showing 22 comments
Really interesting comments. Just goes to show that what works for one family won't necessarily work for another. My first two are 14months apart, and it's great. Tiring at first, but easier now as they entertain each other without needing me! The next one is nearly 4 years later, so they are 6,5,1 with another due in Dec. I think having all the same gender really helps, but of course personality is going to make a huge difference too. Having a bigger gap to the third has been good and the first two are really helpful, but he gets a bit bored at home by himself when they are at school.
I have 3 kids, one boy 6yrs & Had a girl 2nd June 2009 and had a boy 4th June 2010 (One year apart, bar two days). It has been a blessing, I was in the same boat. It is easier now, they play together, laugh together, It's such a Joy! :-) The older one loves having them to play with too. He also is a huge help. Letting nature take its course is the way to go. :-)
Oh, I have to chime in here about breastfeeding/pregnancy. I was thinking the other day that I was either breastfeeding or pregnant for 8 years straight! No WONDER I'm tired LOL. I think that contributes to what makes having children close challenging. But I absolutely agree Jodie...there's no real ideal gap.... then I think about having a baby now...after a four year gap...It would be easier in a way. My thinking was "while I'm in the baby stage I may as well stay there until I'm finished". HA! And yes, I'm finished. {Ooooo, a baby!}
Boys are a special breed, don't you think? I have two and I am SURE if/when I have a 3rd it'll be another boy. You'll no doubt have your hands full with three boys, whatever the age gap, but I'm sure it will be fabulous.
Btw, I also have a son born on the 4th of July as well as a June baby :-)
I have got 2 boys one was born 27th june 2008 and the other 4th July 2010 seems to work but then was put on mini pill and breast feeding and feel pregnant again so now i am due to have another baby boy in mid to late june 2011 not going to be a big age gap but i am sure there are plenty of people out there looking after 3 kids and are doing fine..
Wow - I hope everything is good with you now Kazy?
It is nice to have kids close in age for the special closeness that goes along with it. It's also interesting how our own family experiences and sibling relationships impact on your own hopes and ideals.
Btw, my big sister is still a little bit bossy ; )
Be careful what you wish for Abby! Four kids would be great though, then the twins could help you out with a little one each :-)
Lol... I totally hear you! I think the closer the age gap the harder it is in the early days, but it more than makes up for itself when the kids get a bit older: they've each got an "in-house" best friend and play mate and are much more likely to be into the same kind of things.
That's such a lovely way to put it Kirrily, and I totally agree. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts x
Straight back at ya!
I also breastfed my first until he was 12 months old and very soon after fell pregnant again. My little one is now 20 months old and I really couldn't imagine having another baby in just three months time. But sometimes it happens, and it works.
I don't think there is such a thing as an ideal age gap. As long as the kids are happy and healthy and get the attention that they need and that you somehow manage to squeeze some time for you in amongst it all, it all works out well... I must admit, I did enjoy the fact that my eldest was still having a good three hour nap each day when my second son came along. That extra time out made a world of difference to me and my sanity.
I love the fact my 5 1/2 year old twins have started school this year so i can spend quality uninterrupted time with my newborn!! The return to nappy changing is no problem and my twins adore their little brother and enjoy playing with him and helping me too. So far there is no jealousy or acting out. I am enjoying this age gap so much it's tempting to have another bub so he has a playmate at home !!!!!
Mine are 18 months apart - which I think is great, now. DS is 5 and DD is 3.5.
If you'd have asked me this 2 years ago I'd say it was insanity.
My ideal age gap will be the one I am given. My daughter will be 5 in July. We've had 4 m/c's since she was born. I realise it's good to plan these things but, really, all I am happy with at the end of the day is a healthy, live child. Whenever they are ready to come, so I will be ready too :)
SNAP! My first two boys are 23 mths apart, and that worked quite well for us. EXCEPT - that I'm not sure I was really ready for another baby at the time, on reflection. I'd been pregnant and breastfed for 12 months, then a couple of months later I was pregnant again, breastfeeding again... I found that quite tiring.
When it came to having my third son, I needed more of a break in between, and he's just under three yrs younger than my second child.
I have a friend who had her first two 18mths apart, then had her third child 3 years after her second and swears it was much easier with the 18mth difference, as they had similar sleep patterns during the day etc.
Some people I know have 4yr age gaps between kids, which I would never have wanted, however, my almost 9yr old and 4yr old get on brilliantly together, so I get that now. Because of the large age gap, there's not as much competition between them. Although, my two sisters were 4 years apart, and my Mum said the younger of the two used to get frustrated in her teenage years because couldn't go to the same parties and do the stuff my older sister was doing.
I wouldn't necessarily recommend the gap between my last sister and myself: 17 years!
Ok, I'm rambling. Bottom line? I don't think there is any ideal age gap. Depends on the kids. Depends on the circumstances.
my 2 are 12 months apart and i wouldnt want it any other way.. i did want another just as close but having nearly died with both i didnt want to try again..
my reasons for having them close... i was the youngest of 4 being 5 years younger than my youngest sibling.. it was aweful.. when they got to their teens and i was still in kindy, i was just the annoying little s@#t that was stuck with them (while both parents worked full time).. or i was in child care and oosh.. i swore i would never do that to my kids!!
Also.. i have seen so many kids with bigger age gaps who have their older siblings being bossy over them (as kids are) and they end up having more than one set of "parents".. so they end up either spoilt, or bossed around.. i know its not always like that, but its such an easy thing to happen!!
That's so true! The bigger the age gap, the more quality time you get to spend with the youngest child. My sister will have all the time in the world with her new baby now that her older twins have started school, while with my two its often been a struggle to give DS2 my full attention as DS1 can be so very demanding. But then DS1's clothes now go straight intoDS2's wardrobe once he's out grown them... As Kelly commented earlier on: any age difference has it's pros and cons.
I have 3 years between #1 and #2, a girl then a boy. I found it a great age gap because #1 had time with me to herself, then when she started kinder I had time with just my boy while he was still little. They were great friends until that time when DD found out that boys had cooties LOL Actually most of that was with her friends from school, when it was just them for the most part they got along. Even now as teenagers - 17 and about to turn 14, they argue like all teens but they get along and help each other too.
I had #3 when DS was 8.5, a huge gap! I don't recommend it, but it just happened for us because I separated from the father of my first 2 then found a new partner later. I wanted less than 2 years as an age gap between #3 and #4 because I felt with such a big gap I needed another LOL Unfortunately despite trying from 5 months after #3 arrived I've got another 3 year gap. Luckily it is a good gap. This time I have 2 girls, they are complete opposites but best friends, at least now at 2.5 and 5.5. I wish I had a chance to see what it's like with a close gap but I'm done now :) I think the hardest thing right now is that I'm putting away clothes to pass from one to the other and I have to store them for about 3 years LOL
I agree Kelly. The closer they are in age, the harder it is in the early days, but the easier it gets as they grow older. Although having said that, being so close in age my boys both like the same things and often fight over the same toy (even though I have since learnt to buy two of everything). I just hope that they don't start fighting over the same girl one day...
Three in three years would be tough! I had two in two years and that was enough of a handful.
When my second son was born, my older boy was still in a cot. It was always a nightmare whenever I was feeding and my older son would wake up and demand to be lifted out of his cot. Or trying to keep the older one from running off when changing a nappy or feeding the baby when we were out and about…
Closer to three years would be nice - still close enough in age to be friends and enjoying the same things, but enough of an age gap for the older child to be a bit more independent.
I'm planning on around 3 years gap - my fertility might have something to say about that, but it would be my ideal. My mum had three in three years and it was so difficult.
This is really interesting Melissa. I believe any age difference has it's pros and cons. My eldest child was just 6 when my fourth child was born -- so they are pretty close. I think it's hard when the kids are little if they are close but as you say, as they get older they are great friends. I always wanted to have my kids close in age but I can see the sense of spacing between children too.
I prefer a very small age gap, but between my two older children is a five and a half year gap, due to fertility issues I was having at the time. Each to their own, though