Ten ways to fit a busy partner into your family time
By: kelly
I long for lazy family days. You know, family days: A day to wash the car in the driveway with soapy sponges; a day to throw a Frisbee in the park; or a day for a picnic at the beach.
I long for family days but they rarely come around. And I think it’s a problem many families face today.
One of the reasons our family is time-poor is because of my husband’s work as a training surgeon. He works – a lot. This means he works 60-hour shifts, is away overnight (every week), comes home at different times (every day), is on call for emergencies (at least one weekend every month) and is sometimes away from home for weeks at a time. This also means family time is hard to come by.
However, spending time as a family is important to us, and something we strive for. So, we think outside the box to fit busy Dad into life. For the purposes of this article, I’m calling Dad/Husband “John”. Just so you know.
Here’s how we fit busy John into our family life:
1) Acceptance
John’s job is a high pressure, long-hours kind of job. That’s the fact. Now, I could kick up a fuss and say: “This isn’t what I signed up for!” but my husband loves his job, he is the primary financial supporter of our family and I back him one-hundred precent. So, I don’t fight it but have learned to accept this is how things are for our family and work around that.
Unless it’s something you can change, accept where you are at and make life work for you.
2) Compromise
I accept my husband isn’t going to be around much. On the other hand, my husband knows it’s hard for me to do most of the parenting and work at home so he compromises where he can. This means he will often drop into the shops for groceries on the way home from work and help me around the house as much as he can.
Compromise plays a big part in family life.
3) Don’t wait for family time
If I waited to fit around John’s schedule to do family things, we wouldn’t do very much. Part of what I’ve accepted about our family life is the role I have in planning activities with the children. John fits around the plans when he can. This often means I’m on my own with the kids; that can be hard, but it’s much easier than waiting around hoping John is going to be home.
Don’t wait for family time, create it.
4) Trial and error
We’ve made big mistakes to find out what works for our family. Just recently, the children and I brought a midweek picnic dinner to share with Dad at work. It seemed a good idea at the time: early dinner with Dad and be home in time for bed. In reality, we didn’t get home until about 8pm which then put everything out for school the next day. However, what does work well is if we drop in to see Dad for afternoon tea right after school.
Finding what works as a family means making mistakes.
5) Family Outings
When we do have family time, there are certain activities we know will be a hit. One thing we all (and I place emphasis on all) like to do is walk on our local beach. Sometimes we plan to do something new. Here are some family outings we’ve enjoyed:
• Planetarium visit
• Geocaching
• Catch the train (just for fun)
• Ten Pin Bowling
• Outdoor picnic
• Museum visit
• Afternoon drive to the airport
• Drive in the country
• Climb a mountain (hill sized)
• Catch a bus into the city
• Bush walk
• Visit an “out of town” park
• Bike ride
• Theme park visit
Do an outing everyone will enjoy, and find new things to do as a family too.
6) Technology
Technology is a wonderful way to share life, every day and from a distance. I often take pictures of what the kids are doing and send it to John’s phone so he feels part of the action. When John spends a long time away from home, something like reading a bedtime story through a web cam can make the distance seem a little less hard to bear.
Use technology as a tool to stay connected, especially over long distances.
7) Grasp Opportunities
Dedicated family time is precious so we take every opportunity we can. This means when John plays soccer on Saturdays, we all watch him as a family. To be honest, it would be much easier for me just to stay home with the kids but it’s an opportunity to be a family, so we grasp it! Even the time spent travelling in the car means we are together.
Make moments count.
8) Adjustment
When John has been away for a while, it can be challenging for the family to adjust to his presence (and vice versa); you can’t just start where you left off. John and I have a quick chat about where the children are at and any concerns we might have, and this can help elevate any potential discord in family life.
Adjustment time is normal after time apart. Communication is the key for minimal disruptions.
9) Family Holidays
An annual, dedicated family holiday is something both John and I experienced in our childhood, and we have many good memories of these times. We want to make sure we give the same enjoyment to our children, especially as family time is limited.
Plan a family holiday every year.
10) Take care of ‘you’
Doing the bulk of parenting is tough. I can’t imagine the pressures of being a single parent, or families who have spouses away for months at a time. A good support network is helpful for when I need a break – I’m not superwomen!
Remember to take care of ‘you’ too.
Acceptance, compromise and making it work are how we pull together as a family. It can sometimes be hard to find time to be a family, but when you think outside the box, you can find ways to make every moment count.
Unless it’s something you can change, accept where you are at and make life work for you.
Compromise plays a big part in family life.
Don’t wait for family time – create it.
Finding what works as a family means making mistakes.
Do an outing everyone will enjoy, and find new things to do as a family too.
Use technology as a tool to stay connected, especially over long distances.
Make moments count.
Adjustment time is normal after time apart.
Communication is the key for minimal disruptions.
Plan a family holiday every year.
Remember to take care of ‘you’ too.
When you do get family time, Kleenex Mums is full of great Family Fun articles that can help you make the most of it. Tell me, how do you fit a busy partner into family life?
kelly
Kelly Burstow combines her passion for design, children's books, photography, fashion, writing and parenting in her blog, Be A Fun Mum. Be A Fun Mum is all about reclaiming the enjoyment of parenting, one moment at a time. Kelly lives in Queensland with her husband, four children and far too many guinea pigs.
Showing 17 comments
Hi Elena. It's such a challenge isn't it? When they are working so much.
I can tell you the biggest hurdle for me was the exact thing you mention here: creating family time. I sort of had to give myself permission to get on and be a family with my kids without trying to fit my husband into everything. It's funny, now we have more family time than we've ever had...even though he is just as busy.
It's not an easy thing to do but there's something very liberating and exciting about all the potential!
Thank you Kelly. My hubby is a lawyer and he is working non stop: till 2am weekdays, almost every weekend and he also travels from time to time. We don't have much time together and I don't get much help from him around the house. Sometimes I feel that me and my son are missing out but you are right... your article helped me to look at the situation with his eyes... he is missing out too and I shouldn't wait for him to start having a family time, I should just create it myself:-)
No dishes? That's brilliant! lol. I can really relate to this comment as sometimes it can be hard not to compare to what "other" partners are doing or be under pressure to be a certain way as a family. The thing is, you just have to stick to (and work out) what works for your family hey? Family: it's a team thing. Thanks for the feedback.
It's so much about choices isn't it? And where we invest our time -- even if it's just a small amout of it! And that's the exact thing my hubby does too: if he ever is home around school time on a day off, he makes a point of picking them up too.
Esp love your perfect sum up: "Work pressures are hard, but family is most important"
Agreed.
Thank you Sharron.
It's wonderful to share our lives, as so much of what we experience is so very similar...even though our situations are so different.
Great reading. I'm currently having an argument with my mother about my husband. She says he should help me more, I say he's works very hard and I'm happy with the amount he does (hey I never do dishes, what more could you want!). I'm sending her this since she completely misses the point (having had a husband that was a school teacher and didn't work long hours!)...
What a fabulous post! My husband works 6 days a week in hospitality, and only has Mondays off when the kids are at school. He makes a point of picking them up on Mondays and dedicating the afternoon to them. I often text him happy snaps or little messages from them during the week to make them all feel connected. Work pressures are hard, but family is most important.
Just amazing!!! What an inspiration you are Kelly to so many people!! Your husband and children are so fortunate to have you as their Mum/Wife!!! I hope we hear from you again!
HA! Love that they go to work with him. That's awesome! The kids love it don't they? They love going to Dad's work.
We visit John at work at least once a week! Sounds like your friend gets on and makes things happen. Good on her! And thanks so much for sharing the post. So glad it's helpful.
You know, not waiting for family time but instead going ahead and planning things to do with the kids, was a huge thing for me to learn. It's actually given me a lot of freedom to enjoy kids and 'be' a family, when Dad is there and when he's not. All the best to your husband (and you) for the home stretch in training! We're not looking foward to the final exams *shudder*
Hi Ash. My sister is married to a farmer and boy it is tough when it's harvest season! We absolutely NEED strawberries though! YUM...Love YOUR work!
Casey! What a lovley thing to say. Thank you for such a generous comment. xx
dd
Just wonderful ideas. So practical and useful. Thank you Kleenex Mums for featuring such a fabulous post! I will be directing all my friends with partners to this page for a read :-).
I recently had a friend tell me two things that fit in exactly with what Kelly is saying. Their family goes to "work" on Saturday with the father (he is a builder) so that they can have family time. And my friend is having golf lessons because her hubby loves golf and it's something they can do together now because she has skill :-).
very nice article, my husband is also an advanced trainee... and i can understand what you mean. Same for me, i have to plan the acitvities with the kids too. Great ideas.
Just what I needed to read, with the strawberry season coming up! Love your work Kelly!
As always, you are an inspiration Kelly. Thank you to Kleenex Mums for featuring such a wonderful writer.